Sarah Palin Thought the FOX in FOX Network Was Named After Her
I always keep a yardstick handy in case someone asks me how far I'm willin' to go (wink)
NEW YORK, 2010-01-18 — Negotiations between Sarah Palin and the FOX Network almost broke down when Ms. Palin learned that FOX had been the name of the network for many years, and was not based on her. Continued...
The Three Tenors Sing About Haiti
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-16 — Obama: "As Rahm said this morning, ‘never allow a humanitarian crisis to go to waste.’" Bush: “I have a nickname for Haiti: Hate It." Clinton: "I was in those hotels that collapsed. I had sex in them." Continued...
Reid: I'm Sorry I Said Obama Was Light-Skinned; He's Actually Blue Around the Mouth
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-09 — “OK,” said Reid, “so he is not so light-skinned after all. He is actually quite dark-skinned, and the area around his mouth is so dark it is almost blue. It’s creepy. And those cold eyes! Ever notice how cold his dark eyes get when he’s not smiling? Scares the bejesus out of me!” Continued...
U.S. Offering Speedy Access to Nigerians with One-Way Cash Tickets and No Luggage
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-01 — “The Christmas Day bomber was the first to use our new expedited system,” she Janet Napolitano, Director of the Department of Homeland Security - also known as the Department of Homer Simpson, or DOH! for short - proudly. “He’d been denied a visa to enter the United Kingdom, and we wanted to show how much more efficient we could be in facilitating his entry to the United States.” Continued...
Presidential Address to the Nation on the Alleged Attempted Terrorist Attack
HONOLULU, Hawaii, 2009-12-28 — “I wanted to take just a few minutes to update the American people on the alleged attempted terrorist attack that occurred on Christmas Day – Gosh, it's already been three days! - and the steps we are taking to ensure the safety and security of the country..." Continued...
Sarah Palin Was Behind the Toppling of the Pope
VATICAN CITY, 2009-12-25 — In a new and startling development, the Vatican released another statement today about the toppling of Pope Benedict XVI at Christmas Eve Mass. A Vatican spokesperson said, "At first we thought this was just a case of one deranged woman, but it now seems it involved two deranged women, the second one being Sarah Palin!" Continued...
Global Warming Summit Ends Early Due to Cold Snap
COPENHAGEN, 2009-12-18 — The United Nations’ Climate Change Conference ended in failure today as President Obama cut short his appearance to avoid a snowstorm. Obama said his trip to Copenhagen was a sign of renewed global leadership by the United States. He then led the race to the airport. Continued...
Buick is Pissed That Tiger Crashed a Cadillac
Auto companies back away from Tiger
DETROIT, 2009-12-11 — “It should have been a Buick that bounced off the hydrant and hit the tree. We could have shown how sturdy the car is and what a mess it made of the hydrant. And with those rapid changes of direction that Tiger made as he hit the bushes on the median strip outside his home, turned at 90 degrees and hit the hedge of a neighbor's house, turned 270 degrees and hit the hydrant and then a tree, we could have shown how maneuverable our vehicle is, even when you’re driving with a chipped tooth and under the influence of Ambien and Vicodin.” Continued...
Accenture's New Tiger Woods Ad to Emphasize Sex
NEW YORK, 2009-12-04 — Accenture, the business consulting company, has released a new ad campaign to capitalize on Tiger Woods' new image. The consulting firm believes that business executives will be turned on by their aggressive pitch to act like the new Tiger Woods. Continued...
Tiger Woods Crashed Car Because “I Left My Driver at Home”
ISLEWORTH, Florida, 2009-11-28 — “I’ve been in the rough many times,” said Woods, “and trees don’t bother me. I have won tournaments after bouncing my balls off trees.” Continued...
Obama and Biden Agree That The White House Gatecrasher Provided Stimulus
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-27 — “These are hard times and sometimes you need a bit of a lift,” said Biden, who put a squeeze on the woman’s waist. Continued...
Glenn Beck Diary: Thanks for Nothing, Obama!
2009-11-25 — Dear Diary. I have been listening to the voices in my head again, and they are telling me that Barack Hussein Obama, that Muslim Commie Pinko Fascist, is planning to celebrate Thanksgiving at Plymouth Rock. Sorry, Mr. President, but it is a little late to bail out Plymouth, the last one was made in 2001. Continued...
Obama Says He Has Created One Billion Jobs
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-21 — When asked how that could be when the population of the United States is only 300 million, the czar for counting jobs created by President Obama said that he was including jobs saved as well as created. But with unemployment at 10.5%, President Obama said, “We need a second stimulus bill, to create or save a billion trillion jobs this time.” Continued...
Oprah is a Quitter (Like Palin)
NEW YORK, 2009-11-19 — Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will end The Oprah Winfrey Show after 25 years on TV, saying, like Sarah Palin, that "prayer and careful thought" led her to her decision. Conservatives labeled Oprah as a quitter, but continued to defend Palin as not being a quitter. Liberals said Oprah was not a quitter, but that Palin was. Continued...
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-16 — The White House has acknowledged that President Obama did bow when he met the Japanese Emperor last week, unlike the time he did not bow when he met the Saudi King. “Yes, he did bow deeply to the Emperor, something a U.S. President – who is a head of state – has never done before,” said David Axelrod, the Senior Spin Advisor to President Obama. “He did that to show he is not George Bush and that he has a fresh approach to foreign policy.” Continued...
Yelling ‘God Is Great’ While Killing People Does Not Make You a Terrorist
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-13 — “This was not a terrorist incident,” said David Axelrod, the Senior Spin Advisor to President Obama. “Just because Hassan [who shot 39 soldiers at Fort Hood] yelled ‘God is Great’ does not make him a terrorist. Lots of people yell ‘God is Great’ all the time without shooting people. For example, Iranian mobs often shout ‘Death to America! God is Great’ and they are not terrorists, just ordinary people who want us all to die.” Continued...
Rihanna Agrees That Beating by Chris Brown is a Private Matter
DOSWELL, Virginia, 2009-11-06 — Chris Brown says his brutal beating of Rihanna is a private matter and therefore everyone, including Rihanna, should just forget about. “I respect her right to freely speak about the matter," said Brown, “but she should just shut the f__k up.” Continued...
Miss Binky's Guide to Surviving the Meltdown: How to Get a Free Bikini Wax at the Post Office
2009-11-02 — Brilliant money saving tips that you can use if you become desperate enough to sacrifice what is left of your dignity. Continued...
Cure Found for Liberal Thought Syndrome
BLUE STATE, USA, 2009-10-28 — Until recently, Liberal Thought Syndrome was thought to be an incurable disease. But now, millions of sufferers have a chance to regain normal brain function Continued...
Michelle Has Unfair Advantage in Hula Hoops
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-10-21 — Michelle Obama demonstrated her hula hoop skills this week at a photo op known within Obama’s media team as “Make Michelle Look Almost Normal and Not a Bitter, Radical Bitch,” completing a 142 rotations until the hoop hit the ground … but only after it broke! Meanwhile, Republicans have complained that Michelle has an unfair advantage in hula hoops over young girls because of her humongous hips and ass. Continued...
Fox News Named a Terrorist Organization
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-10-20 — The Administration has named Fox News a terrorist network for supporting the Republican agenda and, accordingly, the White House is limiting appearances by the President and other Administration officials on Fox News “for security reasons.” Continued...
Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize for ... Not Being George Bush
OSLO, Norway, 2009-10-09 — The Nobel Committee, comprising one Norwegian who lives in a basement and is addicted to pot and internet porn, has awarded Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize for ... not being George Bush! “It was unanimous decision,” said Thorbjoern Jagland. Continued...
Supreme Court Rules “Global Warming” a Religion, Orders Separation of Church and State
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-10-06 — In a 5-4 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court has made a judicial finding that global warming is a religion, thus complicating government efforts to legislate to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said that it had become apparent to the Court that the belief that greenhouses gases are the primary cause of global warming is based on faith, not on science, and therefore that belief was a religion. He noted that doubters of the religion were fiercely verbally persecuted by believers.
Continued...
Woody Allen Defends Polanski: ‘13 Year Olds Can Be Great in Bed’
HOLLYWOOD, 2009-10-01 — Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, David Lynch, Debra Winger, Harvey Weinstein, Ethan Coen, Pedro Almodovar, Darren Aronofsky, Terry Gilliam and Gael Garcia Bernal have all come out in support of not extraditing Roman Polanski from Switzerland to the United States to face sentencing for his guilty plea 30 years ago in having unlawful sex with a minor. Woody Allen has been one of Polanski’s biggest supporters. “Some 13 year olds look older than 13,” said Allen, “which is a real turn off." Continued...
Critics of Obama's Plan to Destroy America Are Called Racist
"Kids say the darndest things, and so do I."
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-09-16 — Critics of President Obama's plan to destroy America have been labeled as racist by Jimmy Carter and Bill Cosby. Former President Carter said that the vocal criticism Obama’s plan to eliminate capitalism and to leave America vulnerable to foreign enemies was simply racist. “A lot of white people think a black man is not qualified to be President,” said Carter, who is rapidly aging and is perhaps confused, because a lot of white people think it is Jimmy Carter who was not qualified to be President.
Continued...
Pelosi Calls Dutch Celebration of Manhattan's 400th Anniversary Un-American
MANHATTAN, 2009-09-13 — Nancy Pelosi has condemned the Dutch celebration of the 400th anniversary of Henry Hudson’s arrival in New York Harbor as ‘un-American.’ “How dare they claim that the Dutch mercantile and trading culture enabled America to grow into the strong nation it is today.” Continued...
Obama to Appoint a Czar to Save His Marriage
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-09-09 — To supplement the 37 czars that he has appointed to circumvent the need for Senate confirmation, President Obama is appointing a czar to save his marriage. Michelle Obama has been discontented with Barack for several years, even before he began his campaign for the Presidency, and the situation has not changed for her. She cannot understand his unwarranted self confidence bordering on arrogance, and his activity in the bedroom has been sporadic at best.
Continued...
It’s Serial Killer Field Trip Day at the New York State Fair!
NEW YORK, 2009-09-07 — A spokesperson for the New York State Fair said it would be extra fun on closing day this year because a serial killer serving a life sentence at Sing Sing will be on a field trip to the Fair that day. "It could be you he kills, rapes or mames, or someone else.”
