WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-08-29 — With polls showing that one in five Americans think he is a Muslim, President Obama issued a denial that he was one. He also issued a fatwa against people voting to give the keys back to the Republicans. Continued...
Obama on Mosque is Out of Touch … With How Bigoted Americans Are
President Obama inserts his finger into a Muslim's ass at prayer service
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-08-14 — President Obama has created a political controversy for himself by weighing in on the issue of whether a mosque should be built at Ground Zero in New York. He was attacked as being out of touch with most Americans. “Obama is so out of touch ... with how bigoted Americans are,” said Fuzzie Shrapner, a white male in his 20s. "Polls are very clear that Americans dislike Muslims." Continued...
BP Plan to Drill in Deep Water off Libya Seen as British Plan to Destroy Libya's Tourism
LONDON, 2010-07-24 — “Our safety and environmental standards will be just as high as they were in the Gulf of Mexico,” said a BP spokesman, “and we have a contingency plan if the unthinkable happens. The plan includes not using phrases such as ‘I’m looking forward to getting my life back’ and ‘We care about the small people.’” Continued...
Obama Hails Disastrous Jobs’ Report as “Progress ... Towards Eliminating the Private Sector”
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-07-03 — President Obama hailed Friday’s jobs’ report, in which 142,000 people lost their jobs and 652,000 people left the workforce, a stunning combined total of almost 800,000 workers idled in one month. Obama said the economy was “moving in the right direction … which is the elimination of the private sector.” Continued...
Another Fat Lesbian Appointed to Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-05-10 — President Obama has nominated a second fat lesbian to the Supreme Court. “After she is confirmed,”’ Obama said, “the Court will comprise not only two lesbians but also six Catholics and three Jews. That reflects the fabric of America.” Continued...
Obama Urges Students to Share Their Grades With Other Students
ANN ARBOR, Michigan , 2010-05-02 — In a commencement speech to students at the University of Michigan, President Obama urged students to share their grade point averages with other students. “If you racked up a 3.9 GPA, you should share some of those points with less able students, and students that did not study as hard,” said Obama. “We have to take care of the less able.”
Continued...
South Park Creators Think Times Square Bomb Scare Was Really Funny
NEW YORK, 2010-05-01 — Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park, thought it was really cool that a Pakistani man tried to explode a bomb outside the Viacom headquarters in Times Square, New York, after they aired an episode depicting Mohammad in a bear suit. Continued...
Forget Google; Bongo News is Banned in China!
SHENZEN, China, 2010-03-27 — By Jack Palethorpe, Bongo News' Movie Critic. I came to China to attend the My Poo Film Festival, but I have a much bigger, breaking news story to report. While Google is embroiled in a faceoff with China over its refusal to censor the news and is daring China to shut down its site, I have discovered that China has already blocked access to Bongo News! Continued...
Thin People To Pay Health Costs of Fat People
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-03-24 — Now that the nation has nearly universal health care coverage, it has emerged that a provision inserted into the bill will require thin people to pay a higher premium for health insurance in order to pay for the myriad of costly diseases that fat people create for themselves. Continued...
After Passing Health Care, Reps Look Forward to Learning What They Voted For
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-03-23 — "What we did was historic," said Leon Pancetta, D - Michigan. "No doubt about it. I look forward to learning what we actually did." Continued...
Porn Star Ron Jeremy Forms the "Teabagging Party"
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-03-14 — Porn star Ron Jeremy has announced his plan to form a "Teabagging Party" in an effort to bring a better understanding between the Republicans and Democrats. “I think Mr. Jeremy is on to something here,” said House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi. “I'd like to see those Republicans get teabagged."
Cambridge Professors Say Global Cooling is Due to Global Warming, No Fraud This Time
CAMBRIDGE, England, 2010-02-25 — Scientists at Cambridge University in England say that the abnormally cold winter being experienced in the United States and Europe is due to global warming. “This may seem counter intuitive to ordinary mortals,” said one of the Cambridge professors, “”but when you are from Cambridge it makes sense. Continued...
Toyota’s Problems Caused by Trying to Copy the Movie ‘Thelma and Louise’
TOKYO, 2010-02-07 — Japanese automaker, Toyota, has filed a lawsuit against the Ford Motor Company for inducing it to increase the acceleration of its vehicles, leading to a massive recalls of its automobiles. Toyota said, "Ford led us down a garden path by arranging for the movie Thelma and Louise to show off their great accelerator which we naturally stole... er … made our own version." Continued...
Sarah Palin Thought the FOX Network Was Named After Her
I always keep a yardstick handy in case someone asks me how far I'm willin' to go (wink)
NEW YORK, 2010-01-18 — Negotiations between Sarah Palin and the FOX Network almost broke down when Ms. Palin learned that FOX had been the name of the network for many years, and was not based on her. Continued...
The Three Tenors Sing About Haiti
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-16 — Obama: "As Rahm said this morning, ‘never allow a humanitarian crisis to go to waste.’" Bush: “I have a nickname for Haiti: Hate It." Clinton: "I was in those hotels that collapsed. I had sex in them." Continued...
Reid: I'm Sorry I Said Obama Was Light-Skinned; He's Actually Blue Around the Mouth
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-09 — “OK,” said Reid, “so he is not so light-skinned after all. He is actually quite dark-skinned, and the area around his mouth is so dark it is almost blue. It’s creepy. And those cold eyes! Ever notice how cold his dark eyes get when he’s not smiling? Scares the bejesus out of me!” Continued...
U.S. Offering Speedy Access to Nigerians with One-Way Cash Tickets and No Luggage
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2010-01-01 — “The Christmas Day bomber was the first to use our new expedited system,” she Janet Napolitano, Director of the Department of Homeland Security - also known as the Department of Homer Simpson, or DOH! for short - proudly. “He’d been denied a visa to enter the United Kingdom, and we wanted to show how much more efficient we could be in facilitating his entry to the United States.” Continued...
Presidential Address to the Nation on the Alleged Attempted Terrorist Attack
HONOLULU, Hawaii, 2009-12-28 — “I wanted to take just a few minutes to update the American people on the alleged attempted terrorist attack that occurred on Christmas Day – Gosh, it's already been three days! - and the steps we are taking to ensure the safety and security of the country..." Continued...
Sarah Palin Was Behind the Toppling of the Pope
VATICAN CITY, 2009-12-25 — In a new and startling development, the Vatican released another statement today about the toppling of Pope Benedict XVI at Christmas Eve Mass. A Vatican spokesperson said, "At first we thought this was just a case of one deranged woman, but it now seems it involved two deranged women, the second one being Sarah Palin!" Continued...
Global Warming Summit Ends Early Due to Cold Snap
COPENHAGEN, 2009-12-18 — The United Nations’ Climate Change Conference ended in failure today as President Obama cut short his appearance to avoid a snowstorm. Obama said his trip to Copenhagen was a sign of renewed global leadership by the United States. He then led the race to the airport. Continued...
Buick is Pissed That Tiger Crashed a Cadillac
Auto companies back away from Tiger
DETROIT, 2009-12-11 — “It should have been a Buick that bounced off the hydrant and hit the tree. We could have shown how sturdy the car is and what a mess it made of the hydrant. And with those rapid changes of direction that Tiger made as he hit the bushes on the median strip outside his home, turned at 90 degrees and hit the hedge of a neighbor's house, turned 270 degrees and hit the hydrant and then a tree, we could have shown how maneuverable our vehicle is, even when you’re driving with a chipped tooth and under the influence of Ambien and Vicodin.” Continued...
Accenture's New Tiger Woods Ad to Emphasize Sex
NEW YORK, 2009-12-04 — Accenture, the business consulting company, has released a new ad campaign to capitalize on Tiger Woods' new image. The consulting firm believes that business executives will be turned on by their aggressive pitch to act like the new Tiger Woods. Continued...
Tiger Woods Crashed Car Because “I Left My Driver at Home”
ISLEWORTH, Florida, 2009-11-28 — “I’ve been in the rough many times,” said Woods, “and trees don’t bother me. I have won tournaments after bouncing my balls off trees.” Continued...
Obama and Biden Agree That The White House Gatecrasher Provided Stimulus
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-27 — “These are hard times and sometimes you need a bit of a lift,” said Biden, who put a squeeze on the woman’s waist. Continued...
Glenn Beck Diary: Happy Thanksgiving, and Thanks for Nothing, Obama!
2009-11-25 — Dear Diary. I have been listening to the voices in my head again, and they are telling me that Barack Hussein Obama, that Muslim Commie Pinko Fascist, is planning to celebrate Thanksgiving at Plymouth Rock. Sorry, Mr. President, but it is a little late to bail out Plymouth, the last one was made in 2001. Continued...
Obama Says He Has Created One Billion Jobs
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-21 — When asked how that could be when the population of the United States is only 300 million, the czar for counting jobs created by President Obama said that he was including jobs saved as well as created. But with unemployment at 10.5%, President Obama said, “We need a second stimulus bill, to create or save a billion trillion jobs this time.” Continued...
Oprah is a Quitter (Like Palin)
NEW YORK, 2009-11-19 — Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will end The Oprah Winfrey Show after 25 years on TV, saying, like Sarah Palin, that "prayer and careful thought" led her to her decision. Conservatives labeled Oprah as a quitter, but continued to defend Palin as not being a quitter. Liberals said Oprah was not a quitter, but that Palin was. Continued...
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-16 — The White House has acknowledged that President Obama did bow when he met the Japanese Emperor last week, unlike the time he did not bow when he met the Saudi King. “Yes, he did bow deeply to the Emperor, something a U.S. President – who is a head of state – has never done before,” said David Axelrod, the Senior Spin Advisor to President Obama. “He did that to show he is not George Bush and that he has a fresh approach to foreign policy.” Continued...
Yelling ‘God Is Great’ While Killing People Does Not Make You a Terrorist
WASHINGTON, D.C., 2009-11-13 — “This was not a terrorist incident,” said David Axelrod, the Senior Spin Advisor to President Obama. “Just because Hassan [who shot 39 soldiers at Fort Hood] yelled ‘God is Great’ does not make him a terrorist. Lots of people yell ‘God is Great’ all the time without shooting people. For example, Iranian mobs often shout ‘Death to America! God is Great’ and they are not terrorists, just ordinary people who want us all to die.” Continued...
Rihanna Agrees That Beating by Chris Brown is a Private Matter
DOSWELL, Virginia, 2009-11-06 — Chris Brown says his brutal beating of Rihanna is a private matter and therefore everyone, including Rihanna, should just forget about. “I respect her right to freely speak about the matter," said Brown, “but she should just shut the f__k up.” Continued...
