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Dan Rather Now Works on Documents at Kinko's
NEW YORK Document-duped journalist, Dan Rather, announced today that he is "the owner of the universe, the annointer of presidents and a master galaxy sojourner named Kenneth." Rather was rather tearful, recalling "days of yore.' "They asked me 'What's the frequency, Kenneth?' Well, huddled earthlings, it is engraved in the clandestine cortical code of my central nervous system that reads: YOU ARE THE PURVEYOR KENNETH, YOU ARE THE DELIVERER KENNETH, YOU ARE THE OWNER OF THE UNIVERSE KENNETH!!!!"
CBS for its part refused to confirm that Rather had been placed on massive doses of Thorazine and was serving an observership in Kinko's as a "document helper."
We join the observership during which Mr. Rather has donned a fresh Kinko's worker smock:
Rather: I wear this on some intergalactic flights
Kinko Manager: Right. Now watch me transfer this Excel document to a Microsoft Access program.
Rather: Ninto...Wiezkeonnto....Diba, diba....GEPRET, Toxandgo!!!! (Begins pacing and circling while fidgeting with his lower smock)
Kinko Manager: Now, let's learn how to place documents into a spiral binder. Hold this, Dan.
Rather: I will spiral bind the universe!!!! (Grabs coil and binds two female IT professionals to one another by wrapping the coil around their waists)
Kinko Manager: Humor him, ladies. They are readying a special Kinko's padded conference room for him as we speak. There will be a satellite hook-up to Bellevue for minute by minute Kinko's monitoring. CBS News is thinking of broadcasting it as part of a new 60 Minutes Psycho program.
Kinko Document Specialist: Dan, would you like to learn the difference between a typewriter and a personal computer?
Rather: IT IS ORDAINED IN BLACK HOLES!!! IT IS INFINITE DARKNESS!!!
Document Specialist: You see they generate different fonts.
Rather: THE FONT. WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, HENRY WINKLER?? IT IS ME, KENNETH!! OPEY, GIVE ME OPEY!!!! AUNT BEA, AUNT BEA!!!!"