BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 25, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Arabs Cancel Newsweek Subscriptions, But Will Miss Anna Quindlen's Column

Anna Quindlen of Newsweek
Muslims will miss Anna's column. "We felt she was on our side."

DAMASCUS — Millions of screaming Muslims took to the streets across the Middle East to announce they are canceling their Newsweek subscriptions in the wake of the KoranGate scandal.

In Jeddah, after shaking out the many subscription card inserts from each of thousands of copies of Newsweek, a screaming mob threw them into a big pile and set fire to them. There were so many cards in the pile that the resulting bonfire could be seen as far away as Mecca.

"Newsweek wanted to give me 26 free weeks plus a calendar featuring National Geographic photos," said Ali bin Screwinaround. "That'll be the day, infidels! If I see a copy of Newsweek from, say, 2002 in my doctor's office, I will scream "Jihad' and not read a single page of it!" Ali is studying electrical engineering at the University of Riyadh so he can induce a complete collapse of the power grid in Western Europe.

"I had a subscription through 2007," said Abdullah bin Wankin. "It averaged out to 19 cents per issue. Good deal, right? Not right, Judeo-Christian! I'm going with the old Mick Jagger line, "Time is on my side.' I'm switching to Time magazine, and that is what I will be reading during my self-flagellation religious festival in Damascus. Newsweek doesn't even have "Man of the Year!' Well, I'll tell you who their "Man of the Year' should be - the Postmaster General in Yemen who has banned delivery of their periodical in that country!"

Setting several American flags on fire and then readying themselves for a hostage beheading, a group of Iraqi insurgents mugged for the camera for their "head shots.' "I have to admit I will miss reading Anna Quindlen's column," said Isa bin Abadboy. "She's such a wonderful wordsmith. Every time I recite her columns, my camel gets so excited he pees on himself."

Story by Van Gross, MD. Photo by Mark Fisher.

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