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A Conversation With Hillary Clinton
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Yale Admits Osama Bin Laden
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Bush Rehires Tobias: "˜Hos Were Foreigners'
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Alec Baldwin Devotes His Life to Fathers' Right to Abuse
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Bad Signs - Don't Feed the Animals
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Double Entendre Comics: Buttstroked
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Tomb Teens: The New Band
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Hugo Ballz: Track and Field
Hugo Ballz comic strip... Full story

Democrats Debate, All Sink in Polls


Hillary

ORANGEBURG, South Carolina — Eight Democratic candidates for President held their first debate last week, resulting in all of them sinking in the polls.

Hillary Clinton denied that she was a scheming opportunist who would say or do anything to seize power. "My mother and I took from the White House only what we were given. That and Nancy Regan's dinner service."

Barack Obama denied that his middle name was Hussein, but Hillary caught him off guard by asking him to declare whether he was a Muslim or a born-again Christian, "which is just as scary."

She also slammed popular New Mexico Governor and former U.N. Ambassador, Bill Richardson, whom she said was not Hispanic enough. "He may be a spic, but he's not spic enough. Where's the squashed nose and the bony forehead? He looks like a white man with a suntan!"

Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio called for combat boots to be immediately withdrawn from soldiers in Iraq. "If they lose their boots, they won't be able to fight. Look at what happened to Napoleon's troops in the Russian winter!"

The moderator asked Kucinich to identify himself. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?"

Joe Biden used several clever lines that he had appropriated from British Labor politicians. Unfortunately for him, none of the politicians he quoted ever succeeded in being elected Prime Minister.

John Edwards made a plea for putting substance over style. Asked how he reconciled his emphasis on combating poverty with the disclosure that he spent $400 on a haircut, he replied, "I was alleviating the poverty of a hairdresser."

A dark-horse candidate, Mike Gravel, who represented Alaska in the Senate more than 26 years ago, called for an immediate end to the Vietnam War.

Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut also participated in the debate. His hair looked even better than Edwards.' "I cut it myself!" he said proudly.

Emma Dubin
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