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Republican Debate a Setback for Evolution


SIMI VALLEY, California — Ten Republican candidates for President held their first debate last week, at the Ronald Reagan Library in California. The ten were Rudy Giuliani, John McCain, Mitt Romney and seven unidentified white men.

Rudy Giuliani was asked whether he was opposed to abortion, and answered, "It's OK. It's not OK. Yes. No. I hate it. Maybe. Can we speak about September 11 instead?"

John McCain was asked whether the surge in Iraq would work, and answered, "I will follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of Hell "¦ I'm going there anyway."

Mitt Romney was asked if Americans would elect a Mormon President, and answered, "I've got only one wife "¦ so far!"

The field of ten candidates was asked to raise their hands if they did NOT believe in evolution, and three unidentified men raised their hands, instantly propelling them to front runner status among likely Republican primary voters.

Giuliani was asked to explain why he was so unpopular on September 10, 2001. "Meet my third wife, Judith Nathan!" he said. Ms. Nathan then propelled herself onto the stage, grinning broadly. "Judith was a nurse for a year," said Rudi proudly. "She knows a lot about health care, so she'll be in charge of health care reform in my administration." She grinned even more.

John McCain interjected that he was a POW in Vietnam. "Don't forget that I am the only candidate who's had both arms and both legs broken, and the only one who's been tortured for seven years "“ not counting eight years of Bill Clinton. I've got what it takes to run the War on Terror: a knowledge of pain and torture!"

That prompted three of the unidentified men to claim their own conservative credentials.

"I am the only true conservative," said one.

"I am the only consistent conservative," said another.

"I am the only coherent conservative," said another. "It's an oxymoron, I know."

"Grrrrrrrr! Aaaaaagh. Eeeeeah!" said a wizened, unidentified man, who thereby scored points with Republican primary voters.

The MSNBC broadcast drew a national audience of fifteen viewers.

Emma Dubin

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