BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 28, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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US "Road Map" For Peace in the Middle East is Given, Unfortunately, to Two Men
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American Idol Finalists Get Record Deals With 1,000 Year Old Clive Davis

davis stewart
Clive Davis, b. 1003, and Rod Stewart

LOS ANGELES — Netscape TV reported that the two American Idol finalists, Ruben and Clay, are assured of record deals with the "1,000 year old industry legend, Clive Davis."

Davis, who will never be forgiven for discovering Barry Manilow, but who also discovered Janis Joplin, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Whitney Houston, Carlos Santana and others, said he was offended that Netscape TV had revealed how old he was.

"I am not one thousand years old," Davis assured the press, "If I were that old, I would have recorded Rolling Stones' music, for heaven's sake." Netscape TV responded that Davis was indeed "a one thousand year old legend who may have a memory disorder," and also said that he recorded such artists as Beethoven and Bach, live.

But Davis responded, "All I want is my freaking oatmeal!" as he tackled the American Idol judge, Simon. Simon shouted, "Is that they best you got, old man? I don't know how you ever became a legend," right before Davis knocked him senseless.

Read these related stories:

Jenny McCarthy Hosts American Music Awards (23-Jan-02)

What Are Those Irish Rock Stars Doing to Those Sheep? (17-Jul-02)

TiVo Knows You're Gay (11-Dec-02)

Jack Palethorpe at the Grammy's (26-Feb-03)

Strom Thurmond Music CD to be Released Posthumously (9-Jul-03)

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