BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. FEBRUARY 25, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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University of Colorado Football Coach Barnett Says "We Rape All Our Placekickers"

kelly hnida
Kelly Hnida and friends

DENVER — A seventh charge of rape has been made against the University of Colorado football team, this time by their female placekicker, Kelly Hnida. Coach Gary Barnett tried to deflect the charge by saying that Kelly was an "awful" player who couldn't "kick the ball through the uprights." "Kelly was not only a girl, she was terrible," he added, helpfully.

Coach Barnett has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation. Our reporter caught up with him in a Denver strip club.

Sitting on a bar stool admiring the girls, Barnett seemed anxious to make amends for his comments, and denied he had been sexist. "Look, let's get something straight here, it didn't matter whether she was a boy or a girl, we rape ALL our placekickers. I think that if you ask around you will find that's pretty much the norm on all football teams from the college level to the pros."

"Placekickers are not like the rest of the players," he continued. "They never get tackled or hit and they are a scrawny bunch with narrow hips. As a way of making them feel part of the team, it is not unusual for a club to take them aside and give them a good rape or two. It's especially effective if the kicker is not kicking too good. A good ramming can do wonders for his or her incentive to make that kick!"

"I'm sorry Kelly feels the way she does about this, but there was nothing personal about it," said Barnett as he winked at the bartender.

Mike Pasternack

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