BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. SEPTEMBER 22, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Dan Rather Stands By His Story That Bush is a Martian

Dan Rather
You can See the BS
NEW YORK — CBS news anchor, Dan Rather, is sticking to his exposé on 60 Minutes that George Bush is a really a one-eyed, green skinned Martian.

Meanwhile experts, while not ruling out the possibility that Bush is a Martian, have cast doubt on the authenticity of the document used as proof by Rather. The document was purportedly found in a "Martian time capsule" which suddenly appeared in James Carville's office. But the time capsule was a cardboard tube, the document was in English, not Martian, and one paper expert said the paper was manufactured by Weyerhaeuser in Washington State.

"I stand by the story," said Rather. "The source is James Carville and he is unimpeachable -- he's on our side! The so-called paper expert is a partisan -- nothing wrong with that -- but he's the wrong type of partisan, a Naderite! Even if the document is as false as a coon skin on mountain lion, the substance of the story is as true as a tit on a trooper. George Bush is as mean as a Martian in a mudslide!"

CBS executives stood by their man, saying that Rather's appearance at a Democratic fundraiser and long history of attacking Republican Presidents were entirely appropriate by today's standards of journalism. "We hate Bush too," they said.

Rather offered new experts to support his story, including Kitty Kelley, author of The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty. "George Bush looks like his mother, Barbara," said Kelley, "and she definitely has green skin! And George Bush senior had a roving eye. He could have had an affair with a Martian!"

Emma Dubin

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