BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. DECEMBER 1, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Dan Rather, Anchor's Away

Dan Rather
NEW YORK — Dan Rather has announced he is "voluntarily" retiring as anchor and managing editor of the CBS Evening News. Leaving the CBS Eye with a black eye after the fake National Guard report, Rather will stay on as an aging presenter on 60 Minutes, which will provide him with a platform for his politically-slanted views.

"His views may be slanted," said a Bush-hating woman from New York, "but I like his slant. The National Guard documents were fake, but I wish they had been real."

Rather took over the anchor's chair from Walter Cronkite 24 years ago, and has presided over a 24-year ratings decline, falling from the strong first place he inherited to a distant third place among network news anchors. To many viewers, he seemed too tense, too self-important, and too ridiculously folksy.

"I like tense, self important and folksy," said a Los Angeles man who voted for Kerry. "Well, not folksy."

Media specialists speculated that Rather would be replaced by a younger, white male, which would be a surprise.

"We tried an Asian female - Connie Chinko - but we found out that she couldn't read the words on the monitor," said a network spokesman. "Dan was under the delusion that he did more than read the monitor. He wanted to be a real reporter.

"Look what happened when he got involved in stories! We are now going to revert to reading the monitor."

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