BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. MAY 18, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Dan Rather to Join Newsweek to Improve Its Journalistic Integrity

Dan and an unsubstantiated source
NEW YORK — Stung by deaths in Afghanistan from rioting caused by its unsubstantiated report that a copy of the Koran was flushed down a toilet at Guantanamo Bay, Newsweek is reaching out to disgraced CBS anchor, Dan Rather, to improve its image.

"We know that Dan is damaged goods," said an anonymous, unsubstantiated source at Newsweek, "but that means he is available! And, let's face, at least nobody got killed by his erroneous reporting. So we feel that bringing him on board can only improve our standards."

Rather said he was looking forward to joining the tarnished magazine.

"I look forward to my new assignment at Newsweek," said Rather. "The Tiffany network ain't what it used to be " it's like an old Texas hooker with HIV and a gammy leg " so I'm getting the hell out of Dodge before 60 Minutes Wednesday is canceled and they drop me like a hot potato on a hot tin roof being held by a barefoot baby!

"Now, I know that people say I made the hooker old and gave her the HIV and the gammy leg," he continued, "but I paid my dues and that kind of wear and tear is to be expected.

"I'm a reporter at heart, and I am not naturally an over-paid, desk-bound, heavily-made-up, teleprompter reader " that's like being a queen bee who gets fed a lot of honey but gets f**ked all day and can't leave the hive! No siree, I want to hear the roar of the presses and to have ink on my hands."

"That's great, Dan," said the Newsweek source, "but our presses are in the Dominican Republic and right now we have blood on our hands."

Emma Dubin

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