BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. DECEMBER 14, 2005 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Bill O'Reilly: Jesus is Waging War on Christmas

bill o’reilly bill
I am looking for some loving this Christmas. I have my Christmas ornaments hanging from a tree. Deck my balls, baby!
Welcome to the No Spin Zone!

As you know, Christmas is under attack in this country. There are some who are dreaming of a red Christmas, and it must be stopped. You heard me, Jolly Old Saint Nick, we know who's been naughty this year. He is giving Kerry a spine. Rewarding a war criminal? I am putting you on my bad list... Right under liberal rag sheets Media Matters and the St. Petersburg Times.

And now Laura Bush, you know, our charming First Lady. Well, listen to this, and I'm not kidding you. Laura Bush mentioned "holidays" three times in her so-called "Christmas" video. Laura, why do you hate America? I mean, saying that the Commander in Chief pleasures a horse is one thing, but encouraging the liberal-left in their war against Christmas? Laura, you are an atheist sympathizer, clear as day. The next time I meet you, I may punch you out and put stars on top of your tree. That is how devout a Christian I am.

Now radical groups like the ACLU and Sojourners: Christians for Peace and Justice, are trying to bring down Christmas and replace Santa's Workshop with Satan worship. If I argued with Jim Wallis right now he would call me a traitor who does not understand the true meaning of Christmas. Mr. Wallis, however, was too busy to come on my show. Something about helping poor orphans find parents. The nerve of him not to come on my show and talk me on, the greatest journalist on the earth! Mr. Wallis, I am afraid that I have to call a spade a spade: you are a terrorist sympathizing long-haired hypocritical peacenick. Merry Christmas, jerk.

Now don't get me started on the ACLU, an anti-American fringe group that attempts to stop children from accessing porn at libraries. The nerve of them. I am going to illustrate a new book just to get back at them! I mean, the ACLU wants older men to sleep with your children but does not want children watching porn? I smell hypocrisy. Now the ACLU says that Christmas displays should be kept out of public spaces. You know what, we might as well put up a menorah and say Happy Chanukah. Not on my watch. This is NOT the No Porn Zone.

These are the groups that are waging an all out war on Christmas, the holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus, greed and rampant consumerism. Some may say that the Bible said that, "You cannot serve God and wealth," and, "Money is the root of all evil," but I presume God was high when he wrote that. Sometimes you just have to call it for what it is. Those who believe otherwise have anti-Christian values, yes, even Jesus. Jesus is waging a war on Christmas by calling upon us to not be greedy and come together as a people. I am sorry, Jesus, but you do not understand the spirit of an American Christmas. You are a foreigner anyway, so don't cross our border!

Let me fill you in. If we do not buy Chinese junk made in sweatshops, then we are not helping the American economy, which is already improving. Giving you the gift of world peace just won't work because we Americans love to swipe the card. Instead, we will give a rising communist superpower a booming economy! What could be more American than that? Having brawls with your community members in the aisles of Wal-Mart or Target is what the Christmas season is all about. Now we could give money to the homeless of New Orleans, as many are. But what is more important: giving your family member that new toy race car that they will grow tired of in a few weeks, or giving a family someplace to call home? Well, I am a huge fan of NASCAR, so you know what to do, America.

And there are some who want to change the term "Christmas Tree" to "Holiday Tree," and the term "Christmas Ornament" to "Holiday Ornament." I mean, anyone who calls it a "Holiday Ornament" is waging a war on Christmas. Now I may have egg on my face because the Fox News store did just that. I did not have a say in that decision. Believe me, if I had my say they would be called "War on Christmas" balls, and you could use them as grenades to throw at "Holiday Heathens."

And now it is time for this week's word. Christmas. A time to visit family and friends and appreciate what you have, and what you are going to get. If you are Jewish, leave Christmas alone: that goes for you, Jesus. For Christmas is not really about that long haired hippie named Jesus: no. It is about staying the course in Iraq. The gift on every soldiers list this year is metal armor, so send them Oreos instead. Pundit Rich Galen, by the way, is Nabisco's Hero of the Day! So as you can see, Christmas is not about Jesus. It is about supporting your President one hundred percent (that is if he is a Republican) and about attacking the ACLU and all it stands for. Who needs the first amendment or Jesus when you have me to speak for America? Save Christmas, America, watch The Factor. And that's the word.

This is the No Spin Zone. We will be back in a bit.


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