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Winona Ryder Dresses Up for Her Shoplifting Trial


Winonaincourt
Winona in her Marc Jacobs dress
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Winona Ryder has been dressing up for her court appearances for her trial on shoplifting charges. She is accused of stealing $5,500 in clothing from the Saks Fifth Avenue store on Wiltshire Boulevard in Beverly Hills.

She arrives each morning with her hair and makeup looking perfect and wearing very chic designer outfits. One day she wore a dress by Marc Jacobs, the designer of a sweater she is alleged to have stolen! Doesn't that establish a predilection to steal the sweater?

She is alleged to have stolen items by other famous designers too. "At least she has great taste in clothes," said one Beverly Hills matron. "I'd kill for clothes like that." The matron was promptly arrested by the police on an attempted murder charge.

Incredibly, one member of the jury panel is Peter Guber, a Hollywood producer who worked with Ms. Ryder in three major films, including the now ironically titled Age of Innocence. Where else but in Hollywood would a former and potentially future employer get to sit on the jury hearing your case? And don't you think that a Hollywood mogul would hold some sway over a bunch of municipal employees and hamburger flippers on the jury?

LATE NEWS FLASH: Winona Guilty Verdict

We have fired the reporter who filed the story above, and we unreservedly apologize to Mr. Guber. Ms. Ryder's conviction is testament to Mr. Guber's integrity, as well as to the integrity of the municipal employees and hamburger flippers, to whom we also unreservedly apologize. There is nothing wrong in working in local government or in the service industry, even at menial levels. We also apologize to Ms. Ryder for saying that she is alleged to have stolen clothes, when in fact she actually did.
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