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Corzine Will Govern With Grunts and Groans
TRENTON Aides to New Jersey Governor, Jon Corzine, who was critically injured in a car crash, have insisted that the Governor will be able to resume his duties immediately, despite being heavily sedated and having a breathing tube jammed down his throat.
"He is only critically injured," said his chief of staff. "He's not dead or anything."
Corzine had been on his way to host a meeting between Don Imus and the Rutgers University women's basketball team at Drumthwacket, the governor's mansion in Princeton, when the crash occurred, Corzine was not wearing a seat belt, and is being referred to as "Crash Dummy" in political circles.
Asked how the Governor would actually be able to function with his serious injuries and to communicate with others, his chief policy adviser replied, "He'll communicate with grunts and groans. For example, we'll ask him if he wants to privatize the New Jersey Turnpike and use the proceeds to lower property taxes and, if he grunts once, we'll ask, "Is that a yes?' and if he grunts once again we'll assume it is, but if he gurgles we'll take that as a no.
"If we need him to bash some heads together to forge an agreement between two opposing state senators, we'll bring them into his hospital room and say, "Do you want to bash heads,' and if he grunts once we'll bash their heads together for him."
"The family is here beside him and he's received emails from many well wishers," said his chief pollster. "Hillary also phoned, wanting her check."