BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. APRIL 25, 2007 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Australians Are Proud They Still Own the Mass Murder Record

Australians celebrate that they still hold the world record
PORT ARTHUR, Tasmania — Australians reacted with pride when they realized that the Virginia Tech student who killed 32 people last week had not erased their mass murder record of 35 people killed at Port Arthur in 1996.

"We still hold the world record!" said the local mayor.

The Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, a staunch Bush ally, was quick to claim credit.

"My government's policies have continued to put Australians first," he said. "We value our relationship with the United States, and we remain a strong ally of the U.S. in the War on Terror, but in the swimming pool, and in mass murders, we're killing "˜em!"

The Australian shootings took place at the former site of the Port Arthur penal colony in the Australian island state of Tasmania. Commencing in 1788, Britain sent ships loaded with prisoners to Sydney, Australia, because it could no longer transport them to Virginia after the War of Independence. Convicts generally served terms of seven years, usually as unpaid farm laborers for free settlers. However, if convicts committed fresh crimes during their terms, they were sent to the notoriously brutal prison at Port Arthur.

So if Australians are descended from convicts, Tasmanians are descended from the worst convicts. Port Arthur became a popular tourist destination in the 1970's as Australians, throwing off their orientation to Britain, embraced their Australian-ness and their colonial past, and even celebrated their descent from convict stock.

After the mass murder of 35 people by a deranged Tasmanian at Port Arthur in 1996, tourism increased, as people came to see the site where so many were killed.

This week, it was reported that Port Arthur was attracting record crowds, chanting "We're number one!" and "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oy! Oy! Oy!" which, loosely translated, means "Look at me, I'm an idiot."

Allunga Bagadjimbiri

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