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Gonzales to Enter Witness Protection Program

WASHINGTON, DC — The Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, has entered the Federal Witness Protection Program. Gonzales, whose tenure as Attorney General has been marked by controversy, was last seen climbing into a black Lincoln town car in Chevy Chase, Maryland.

Explained White House spokesman Tony Snow, "The Attorney General's testimony before Congress has exposed him to extreme danger from members of the Senate, the press, the legal community, and anyone left in this country with a conscience or respect for the Constitution. Thus, we feel it is in his best interests, and the best interests of the nation, for Mr. Gonzales to hightail it the hell out of public view for a while."

Reactions in the organized crime community were mixed. "This disturbs me, I must admit," said one anonymous waste disposal consultant in northern New Jersey. "It kind of sullies the whole witness protection experience. I was looking forward to spending my retirement under an assumed name in an Arizona trailer park. But this Gonzales guy makes witness protection seem kind of sordid. I mean, even I have ethics. I did the crime, so I did the time. Gonzales lies through his teeth, pretends to have severe memory loss, and does he end up washing prison laundry for two years like I did? Not a chance. So let me ask you " would I have gotten off for shipping those stolen iPods across state lines by claiming that I have no recollection of doing it?"

Porn shop owner and elementary school drug distributor, John Doe, disagrees. "I can see why Gonzales needs to take advantage of the Witness Protection Program. Isn't that program set up to protect you from reprisals for your testimony? Gonzales buried himself alive throughout those hearings, so doesn't he need protection from himself? God only knows what he might say next, or how much damage it could do to Alberto Gonzales. Plus, if he can get into witness protection, even I can get in. That makes me feel good. In my line of work, it's best to keep all your options open."

New York attorney Anthony Sayers was upbeat. "I think it's heartening to see that someone like Alberto Gonzales can get away with coaching a witness, feigning Alzheimer's, and reinventing laws on the fly to benefit his political party and himself. Let's face it, if the Attorney General can safely pull that off, I see whole new vistas of opportunity opening up before me."

Mike Duncan, Republican National Committee chairman, also put a positive spin on the situation. "I think of it as a well-deserved vacation for Alberto. The man has been working hard to help consolidate Republican power by politicizing the Justice Department in unique ways. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to fire anyone who doesn't spend one hundred percent of their time prosecuting bogus Democratic voter fraud cases. That's in line with our general strategy of abusing power, politicizing every branch of government, and shamelessly manipulating public opinion right before elections. Anyway, I hope Alberto enjoys the witness protection experience. It's got to be a step up from Senator Chuck Schumer grilling him."

Talk about torture!

Concludes Vice President Cheney, "As someone who has spent the last seven years in the Witness Protection Program, I applaud the fact that Attorney General Gonzales will now be joining me. I must admit that it's been a bit lonely hiding in all those undisclosed locations, especially on weekends and holidays. I look forward to Alberto's companionship and wise counsel. Maybe we can even go hunting together."

Robert Friedman

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