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"The Simple Life" Turns Out to be Complicated
ALTUS, Arkansas Hilton hotel heiress, Paris Hilton, and singer Lionel Richie's daughter, Nicole Richie, traded the Los Angeles club scene for an Arkansas pigsty as The Simple Life reality show opened on Fox TV this week.
Hilton, with a sex video on the Internet, and Richie, recently pleading guilty to heroin possession, were quickly introduced to the mucky realities of farm life, failing at chores which proved that farm life was not so simple after all.
The girls, who admitted to have never worked a day in their lives, groaned and moaned as they performed back breaking chores at the crack of dawn. "We're not used to back breaking chores at the crack of dawn," said Paris. "We're used to being crack whores at dawn."
While Albert and Janet Leding of Altus, Arkansas (population 817) were not too thrilled to have the socialites staying in their home for a month, their teenage sons were ecstatic. "Paris went down on me last night, and I'm looking forward to some anal with Nicole tonight," said 15-year old Cayne Leding.
Nicole was irritated that camera crews kept following her around, even into the bedroom, but Paris told her she was used to camera crews in her bedroom, and that it was no big deal.
Life with only one bathroom for nine people, however, was too much to bear. "Nicole left her needles everywhere," complained Paris. "I was afraid I'd accidentally snort one with a coke line."
Hilton took her pet Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, along. The dog responded well to the rural environment. "Tinkerbell played a lot with the other animals," said Paris. "She had a great time, especially when she was sodomized by the Ledings' mongrel."
Viewers cringed when Paris mocked her rustic host family with the question, "What's Wal-Mart?" But the family just smiled.
At night, after Paris and Nicole went off to bed, the hosts looked at each other and did high fives.
"By getting those city slickers to herd cows with high heels instead of using motorbikes with global positioning systems, we were able to lower our farm productivity by 90%," said a happy Albert Leding. "That means our government subsidies for not producing milk will go way up."
As he spoke, his wife Janet pushed a button and the rustic living room was transformed into a high tech trading room.
"Janet has saved all our subsidy money and invested it well," said the proud husband, Albert. "Our equity portfolio is over $500 million and she trades billions in currencies every night. Oops, there goes the phone, got to get that, it's probably George Soros calling Janet for instructions."
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