BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. DECEMBER 17, 2003 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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Millions Shocked to Learn Ozzy Was "Prescribed Too Many Drugs"

ozzy osbourne
LOS ANGELES — Rocker Ozzy Osbourne claims he was prescribed a mind-numbing combination of drugs, leaving him barely able to walk or talk for hours on end.

In the reality TV series, The Osbournes, Osbourne was seen staggering around his mansion, falling over furniture and babbling incoherently as his family frolicked about their daily routines, which included tossing fruit and firewood at noisy neighbors, discussing the merits of the family dog's psychologist, and synchronized ham-hurling.

Osbourne states that Dr. David Kipper of Beverly Hills, whom he sought out to kick his narcotics habit, prescribed a wide range of anti-anxiety drugs including opiates, amphetamines, Valium and Dexedrine. He says he was taking up to 42 pills a day, but "trusted the doctor".

The announcement of his wigged-out state shocked fans of the show, who thought they were "just seeing a typical father figure in a normal rock & roll family," according to an MTV spokesperson. "Considering his condition, I think his performance was courageous. He toughed it out for the good of his family. It's good to see a role model kids can relate to."

MTV pointed to several heroic Ozzy moments in the show, including Ozzy bravely enduring The Weather Channel when he couldn't figure out how to change it, Ozzy staring down a turned-off microwave as he waited for popcorn to pop, Ozzy dancing with a James Brown doll, and Ozzy articulating such historic quotes as, "I'm f**king Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of f**king Darkness! Evil! Evil! What's f**king evil about a sh*tload of bubbles? I like the smell of armpits in the morning."

The California medical board has moved to revoke Kipper's license. A secretary for Dr. Kipper said he was being deluged by requests for treatment by Keith Richards, and was unavailable for comment.

Mark Fisher

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