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FCC Fines Marie Osmond For Saying "Darn" on Her Radio Show


marie osmond
LEHI, Utah — The Federal Communications Commission continued its campaign to crack down on broadcast indecency, fining cute Marie Osmond for saying 'darn' on her nationally syndicated radio show, Marie & Friends.

"We have fined her $366,000," said Mike Powell, the head of the FCC. "We're also looking into whether we should levy an additional fine for saying the word, 'gosh.' That's a four-letter word, possibly a contraction of something blasphemous. And she call herself a Christian!"

"She seems to be a cloyingly cute girl," said Powell, "but the truth is she's not. I did like her and that wonderfully square brother of hers on The Donnie and Marie Show. But she's changed. She has a dark side that emerged on her new show. It's probably because she suffered postpartum depression in 1999 and was briefly separated from her husband. That was a bad sign. So much for family values! I also heard that she once cussed out loud after accidentally hitting her thumb with a hammer. That shows a character weakness!"

The FCC has also ordered that Ms. Osmond's show have a 10-second delay so that station censors can bleep out any offending words or any wardrobe malfunctions. "She showed her neck once," said Powell.

Meanwhile, Bubba the Love Sponge, who was fired from his Florida radio show by Clear Channel Radio for obscenity, attacked Ms. Osmond.

"That ball-busting bitch is stealing my time slot, the whore," said Bubba. "Otherwise, I kinda fancy her."

Howard Stern, who's show has been dropped by six Clear Channel stations, also criticized Osmond, calling her a "potty mouth."

Emma Dubin
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