BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. APRIL 7, 2004 Copyright © 2001-2018 Bongo News, Inc.
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New Book, Inside Circle Jerk, Alleges Pre-9/11 White House Was Obsessed with Ann Coulter

anncoulter marilyn
Take me to your leader
WASHINGTON, DC — Former CIA sketch artist, Gabe Patterson, has added a new twist in the building drama surrounding the 9/11 tragedy when he countered former antiterrorist expert Richard Clarke's claim that the Bush White House was preoccupied with Iraq in the months leading up to 9/11.

Insists Patterson, "The Bush administration's pre 9/11 obsession was not with Saddam - it was with Ann Coulter."

In his soon-to-be-released book, Inside Circle Jerk, Patterson says that beginning in May of 2001, CIA Director, George Tenet, summoned him almost daily to the Oval Office for the sole purpose of titillating Bush and his inner circle with drawings of what Ann Coulter, the conservative author and ultra sexy cog in the Republican attack machine, would look like with no clothes on.

Claims Patterson, "From late January to May of 2001 the President had the CIA looking under every rock in America for nude photos that Coulter might have had taken in her youth. When this search came up empty, they called me in to satisfy to the best of my ability their prurient curiosity about Ms. Coulter."

In this excerpt from Inner Circle Jerk, Patterson attempts to capture the climate of the pre 9/11 Bush White House:
"It is a well-documented fact that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. As President Bush and his team so masterfully amassed and concentrated power, they experienced an almost superhuman surge in prurience, which for reasons I go into in the next chapter, was focused almost exclusively on Ann Coulter.

As these men's power begat more and more power, so proportionally did their lasciviousness grow. Every day I was asked to make Ms. Coulter's breasts ever larger, the poses ever more provocative, the orgy scenarios ever more far-fetched.

As a trained CIA sketch artist, I knew in my heart that under her clothes Ms. Coulter couldn't possibly look the way they were making me draw her. I knew, too, that the positions she was assuming on my sketch pad were not humanly possible."

Responded White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, "We're not even going to bother to assassinate the character of this apparently homosexual, art school drop-out. All we're going to do to point out the absurdity of these charges is ask the American public this very simple question, 'Can anyone doubt that the President must have known that if he wanted to see Ms. Coulter nude all he would have had to do was ask her?'"

Larry Greer

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