BONGO NEWS Satire. Parody. Jokes. FEBRUARY 8, 2006 Copyright © 2001-2017 Bongo News, Inc.
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Anthropologists Discover First Gay Man

OLDUVAI GORGE, Tanzania — An archaeological team from the University of Missouri has discovered the remains of what some believe was the first Gay Man. The creature, named Homo Eroticus, apparently lived in a tastefully understated cave on the fashionable East Side of a large Paleolithic settlement. Fossilized tracks in the rock indicate that the cave of Homo Eroticus may have been frequently visited by leading male members of the settlement, mostly on weekends.

"We believe the creature was erect, at least during Tom Cruise movies," said Ann Sprinkle, director of the UM archaeological project.

Sprinkle said the creature's skull showed evidence of a trendy haircut. Its fingers were long and tapered, suitable for arranging flowers or altering hemlines. The pelvis bone showed significant signs of wear, indicating an active social life. The cave itself was sparse but comfortable, suggesting that it was perhaps a loft space converted from a prehistoric warehouse or small manufacturing facility during some previously unknown paleolithic urban real-estate boom. There were crude etchings on the cave wall, which at first baffled team members.

"It tuned out to be the score for a sort of stone-age show tune," Sprinkle said.

Homo Eroticus could turn out to be the long-sought Missing Link between Darwin's Great Gay Apes and modern male figure skaters, Sprinkle said.

The Christian Coalition immediately condemned the remains as "wicked, immoral and an abomination" and urged the fossilized matter to change its lifestyle "before it's too late."

Not much is known about the daily life of Homo Eroticus, except for some back issues of Esquire magazine. There does seem to have been some form of gay marriage at the time, however, and just as some modern social critics have predicted, it led to the downfall of the society.

"Apparently, members of this particular tribe were standing at the rim of cliff during a gay marriage ceremony," said Sprinkle, "when their combined weight caused the rock face to give way, and they all fell down into the valley below."

Darrin Pack

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